Estranged
Picture: Bettmann / Corbis / Getty / The Atlantic
Truth is the only power I possess. My ability to speak candidly about my journey and my enlightenment is all that separates me from despair. I can give life to feelings and experiences, hoping that writing about them will reveal something universal, an idea or observation that others recognize and understand.
But there is also danger in speaking my truth. How often have my emotions, opinions, and worldviews changed and evolved? Enough to know that what I think and feel today will not be the same tomorrow, and I may look back with pity on the fallacies in my thinking. This is why writing feels so dangerous. Words, once on the page, cannot be erased. They feel permanent in a way that rattles my inner critic, who whispers, "Be careful what you say; you may live to regret it." Regret it, I might, but at this moment, my truth feels like a life raft, the only way back to myself and my power:
The truth is that moving away from the state of Georgia has been far more challenging than I anticipated, especially during this holiday season. This time of year can be particularly tough, a reminder of what we've lost. Why? Family dysfunction. Where there once was a family nucleus of five, now lies a system divided between two households. While many can navigate the post-divorce split amicably, I have experienced alienation, triangulation, and isolation from those I love most in the world, often done stealthily, imperceptibly influencing the emotions, opinions, and availability of family and friends. In desperation and pain, I've tried many things to reestablish a connection: overcommunicating, overexplaining, and overextending myself to the point of peril and exhaustion.
It turns out this type of familial dysfunction is on the rise. The Atlantic magazine wrote an article, "A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement," which explores the pervasiveness of estrangement, its causes, and its effects. How many of us dread the run-in with a particular family member during the holiday season? How many of us avoid family gatherings? How many of us have been excluded from the guest list? There is not enough room on any page to fully unpack the sweeping shift in American family values. We are witnessing a tipping point that will dramatically impact our country's ethos and collective psyche. The change also impacts us personally, causing chasms in our most important relationships and fueling mental illness and unhealthy coping strategies.
For those who feel estranged, the antidote is multifaceted and complex. But it's not insurmountable. Personally, I've decided to practice self-love and kindness. I've decided to accept help from those who love and support me unabashedly. I've decided to broaden my definition of family and community. I've decided to separate myself from an environment that has proven unhealthy and counterintuitive to my healing and growth. I've decided to practice honesty, leaning into my truth to regain power.
If you are feeling the holiday blues, I hope this post comforts you during this difficult time of the year. You are not alone. There are resources and support groups, as well as online help, below: